why i love gordon keith, in his own human-words

thank you, dallas morning news.

Newspaper Column: There's a reason I write this thing
07:47 AM CST on Thursday, November 3, 2005
By GORDON KEITH

My basic goal every day is to not get pregnant. But after that, my next goal is to avoid speaking with another live human being.

I complain about the world being this way because it is a fashionable gripe, but I secretly do everything I can to avoid interacting with other so-called humans. I remember the wisdom my father imparted to me every year on my birthday: "Son, if you avoid eye contact, then maybe, just maybe, they won't knife you." Then, with tremendous fanfare and laughter, my father would knife me for emphasis.

The truth is that I am painfully vapid and I know any conversation will increase the possible exposure of this dangerous social flaw.

If my cellphone rings, my heart starts racing. So I mute the ring and procrastinate checking the voicemail for a few weeks while I get drunk. If my doorbell chimes? I dive under old clothes and hold a quivering pistol to my head while sweating and mumbling prayers in improvised Spanish. I hate that I am like this, but I have social anxiety. And bird flu.

I think the whole world is becoming a collection of isolated cocoons rather than the interactive corpus God intended it to be, and that's fine with me as long as I don't have to issue pleasantries. E-mail, voicemail, tall fences, HVAC, disease, fear, all of them are important allies in my quest to remain in a womb of anti-social bliss.

Are you like me? Take this helpful quiz to determine if you are a homicidal misanthrope.

•Do you pray to Sweet Sweet Zeus that you are delivered unto voicemail when you call someone, just so you can avoid that warm feeling of interaction?

•Do you wish your side fence were 12 feet tall instead of a stingy eight?

•Upon entering a restaurant with another diner present, do you simply eat in the alley?

•If someone tries to "make plans," do you claim leprosy?

•Do you load up the adjacent theater seat with scrap metal?

•If someone says "hello," do you make your eyes real big and scramble up a tree?
Put your pencil down. Give yourself two points for each "yes" answer. Add it all up and you'll find it equals a lonely but increasingly common life.

Totally freak Gordon out by e-mailing him at gordon@gordonkeith.com, then eavesdrop on his awkward communication efforts on "The Ticket" KTCK-AM (1310) weekday mornings from 6 to 10.

now if you aren't crying, then what exactly does it take to make you laugh?